Van Halen - "Why Can't This Be Love?"
To begin with, you're Sammy Hagar. Even if you'd been David Lee Roth, I don't think this could have been love— what chance could you really have? Also, you're the lead singer of Van Halen, which means your romantic life involves a winding procession of dazed dipstick groupies. Not much room for love in that arrangement, sir. And then, of course, there's the fact that we're both heterosexual men. To be fair, though, you didn't specify whether it was eros, philia, agape, or storge that you had in mind, so I shouldn't jump to conclusions. In alphabetical order, then:
- "Why Can't This Be Agape?": Because you aren't David Lee Roth.
- "Why Can't This Be Eros?": Because we're both heterosexual men.
- "Why Can't This Be Philia?": Well, I suppose it could be, in a fairly loose sense. All right, Sammy: this can be philia.
- "Why Can't This Be Storge?": What the hell is storge?
The Jimi Hendrix Experience - "Are You Experienced?"
I'm sure you and your drug-fuddled hippie friends wouldn't think I was especially experienced, but yes, I suppose I've had a few experiences. What kind of thing do you have in mind? Are we talking like in the résumé sense? I suppose if you count watching the sunrise from the bottom of the sea as an experience, then no, I'm not that experienced. How does that even work, from hundreds of fathoms down? The average ocean depth is almost a mile, Jimi. To see that kind of sunrise—well, I think you mean "Not necessarily beautiful, but stoned."
Elvis Costello - "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace Love and Understanding?"
*snicker* Oh, Elvis. You're so naive.
David Bowie - "Life on Mars?"
Not according to recent data, no. NASA stumbles on suggestive evidence from time to time, but Mars has a pretty thin atmosphere, so its environment can't really support liquid water. There's probably no life on Mars, Dave. And if there is, it's probably just microbes, and not mice, Ibizans, socialists, Beatles, or sailors fighting in dance halls.
Frank Zappa - "Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?"
Considering the folks you hang around with, Frankie, I couldn't even begin to guess.